需要说明的是，本文中有过激的暴力描写，阅读前请确保您已年满18周岁。我会尽量忠实地翻译原文，但原文中任何观点或立场不代表我本人的观点或立场。

另外注意：如果你尚未通关DDLC，请不要阅读本文，本文对人物性格有严重剧透。

一些小说明：

我前两天在bilibili上看了个视频，reddit上很多牛逼大佬把DDLC剩下的秘密挖了个遍，当然其中主要是集中在对游戏角色文件的研究上，视频内容我不再多说，感兴趣的朋友可以自己去b站上看看。

以下是正题：

视频里讲到关于yuri的角色文件，用记事本打开时能看见一大堆乱七八糟的字符，用base64把它们解密之后就能看到一篇完整的小说。带着强烈的好奇，我读完了这篇小说，可以说非常符合yuri的角色定位，而且它与我非常喜欢的一本书——《捕蜂器》——有许多相似之处。之后我百度了一下，这小说好像还没有中文翻译，于是我想趁着元旦假期，简单翻译一下，当作英语练习了，有不足的地方还希望大家多多指正。

首先是原文：

If you found this note in a small wooden box with a heart on it, then congratulations! You are probably the first person to read this. I didn’t really plan on sharing this with anybody, but for some reason I think it’s exciting that somebody out there, a complete stranger, will come across this note and read my story. Someone I will never meet, sharing such a personal bond with me. I’m fascinated that either one of us could die - even as soon as tomorrow - with the other being completely clueless to the fact. To you, my entire life is within this note, and so I will live for as long as your memory can carry me. Writing this, I’m wondering if that makes you feel fascinated or violated. It’s so exciting.

I’m sorry if my story is a bit disorganized, but I’d like to get it down while it’s still fresh on my mind. First, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I’m a first-year college girl and have led, by most standards, a pretty unspectacular life up to this point. I grew up in an upper-middle class school district with decent teachers. I did track in middle school and some of high school, and I’ve had two boyfriends. Now, I’m studying for a career in occupational therapy, because I feel the field is undervalued and provides tremendous help to people.

I’m giving you this background because there’s this strange misconception that if you want to kill someone then you’re either sick in the head or you have anger management issues. But, it’s very apparent that I don’t fall into either of those categories. It’s true that most murder cases are in a domestic setting where someone loses control of their anger or something. But the thing is that those people kill under provocation, whether by a singular outburst or by a slow-burning series of misfortunes. Those people kill because in that brief moment, they want a specific someone, for a specific reason, to be hurt or killed.

What I’m talking about is wanting to kill someone for no specific reason, maybe just to see what it’s like. Do you ever get that? I wouldn’t know how others feel, because it’s not something I ever talked about. But I’ve been curious about what it’s like to kill someone ever since I was a child. Not killing anyone in particular, just a random person. It’s always just fascinated me that if I put my mind to it, I can approach anyone, and in five minutes they would be completely gone from this Earth.

But I’ve never done so for a couple of reasons. First of all, for most of my life it was logistically impossible for me to do it without getting caught. I only got my driver’s license a couple years ago, and even then, the preparations would take too much time, definitely stirring suspicion. It was only once I started college that I realized this was no longer an obstacle.

Another reason is that I was afraid of causing harm to too many people. You might laugh reading that, at how hypocritical it sounds. But, let me explain: Why should I feel bad about killing someone if they’re too dead to care? Who would I be feeling bad for? Contrarily, it’s the grief of the living that I’d rather not be responsible for. Because of this, I knew it would take a good deal of research before finding a suitable person to kill, and I’ve never had the means to do so - again, until I started college.

And now, having just experienced it, I’d say it was pretty satisfying in the end. Something I would try again? Probably not, since my curiosity has already been satisfied. It really wouldn’t be the same a second time.

But anyway, if by any chance you’re also curious to kill someone, then you’re welcome to take notes. :)

I started a hobby of people-watching soon after I entered college. People-watching is interesting to me because it’s taking one of the infinite extras in your life and turning them into a main character - without them knowing, of course. It’s so easy to forget that every single one of the hundreds of strangers you pass every day has a life story as deep and complex as your own. One thing I noticed about people-watching, and wanting to kill someone, is that you are in more constant awareness of this. When I find a person to observe, their story slowly becomes more clear to me over time, gaps being filled - it really is amazing.

I usually went to grocery stores on weekends and looked around in people’s shopping carts. If I saw something that interested me, I decided to observe the person for a little bit. Of course, since my goal was to find someone to kill, I ruled out anyone who had children or a partner with them. Wedding rings were another tell-tale sign.

So maybe once a weekend, I would find someone who fit my criteria, at which point I would follow them home and note their address. From there, it became incredibly easy to investigate a little bit more; most people have normal work hours, meaning I could spend afternoons going through their mail or looking around in their house. I repeated this with several people (and had one close call), but for varying reasons I didn’t really feel satisfied enough with them to kill any of them.

I started getting a bit impatient and thought that I might just settle for killing the man named Devon, even though I didn’t really want to kill someone wealthy. But then, I came across someone new - someone who just, felt perfect. The feeling only strengthened as I investigated her further, and I knew that she would be the one for me to kill.

A young-looking woman I met at the grocery store, as per usual. She was doing some light shopping with a basket. Her hair was wavy and dark brown, sitting inelegantly on her slumped shoulders and surrounding her tired-looking face. Her bare fingers told me she might be single, but beyond that, my gut was almost certain of it. This woman just seemed so…plain, really. I guess I felt a greater acuity for the personal lives of strangers ever since I started my people-watching. But the way she carried herself, I just got the feeling that if she suddenly died, nobody would be around to miss her. Of course, I still wanted to investigate her a bit.

I followed my usual routine of checking out her place during her work hours. I learned immediately from her mail that her name is Linda Watson. Linda lived in a quiet apartment complex, her mailbox easily accessible right outside her door. Instead of quickly shuffling through it, I decided I could take her mail back to my dorm and return it before she was finished with work (she only lived about 15 minutes from me). I did some research and learned how to open and reseal the envelopes without damaging them, which took some technique along with a hair dryer, rubbing alcohol, and Q-tips.

This made it easy for me to learn a little more about her. Linda was a 33-year-old woman who worked for a small accounting firm - I’d rather not name the place outright. Her birthday was December 11th which, coincidentally, was approaching in a couple weeks. I also managed to find a bank statement that gave me a nice look into how she’s been spending her past month. It was at this point I realized that my assessment of Linda Watson as an extremely plain woman was pretty spot-on, because there was absolutely nothing interesting on the list. A trip to Old Navy, a bunch of Starbucks, something about $40 from Amazon - no restaurants, no movies, nothing that would really imply she was spending any time socializing. That aside, I also found a cooking magazine, so I guess she was into cooking.

Apartments are harder to break into than suburban homes, because there are fewer doors and windows. Every time I got Linda’s mail, I would check the front door and the windows in the back, but they were always locked. This was a bit frustrating because I was really interested in getting into her house. So, I came up with a sort of plan that I thought would be fun, even if it didn’t work.

Last Saturday, I visited Linda Watson’s apartment complex as I would on weekdays. The difference is that this time, I wanted her to be home. I thought it would be interesting to have a conversation with her. If I got lucky, I could take advantage of the situation to discreetly unlock a window from the inside. So, I walked up to her door wearing nothing warmer than a light sweatshirt, and knocked. The adrenaline rush was crazy. I was afraid I might screw something up.

The door opened, and in front of me stood Linda Watson, exactly as I remembered her from the grocery store. It was at that moment, making eye contact for the first time, that I realized I was running the risk of beginning to care about this person. As selfish as it is, I couldn’t kill a person I cared about, even if it’s a 33-year-old woman standing in a doorway with a slightly perplexed look on her face, giving me a reserved “Hello.”

Arms crossed from the cold, I shyly returned Linda’s greeting. I explained that I was walking my dog near the woodsy area behind the back of her apartment, and that he had gotten away. I had been looking for my dog for an hour and was wondering if Linda may have seen him roaming about. Of course, Linda sympathetically apologized for the situation and that she couldn’t be of use to me, but that she would keep an eye out. I wore a defeated expression in response, apologizing in return for troubling her.

It somehow went exactly as I had hoped - Linda invited me inside to warm up a bit with some coffee. I outwardly hesitated before accepting her offer, although on the inside I wanted to jump through the door and hug her for cooperating so well. And that’s how Linda Watson ended up with a 19-year-old girl next to her on the couch - who knows if it was just a nice gesture or if she really has no better way to spend her Saturdays than talking to some kid she just met (who happens to be interested in killing her).

Linda soon learned that my name is Maria (it’s not) and that I attend the nearby community college (I don’t). I was a little bit nervous that she would ask me too many questions because I didn’t have many answers prepared. I was able to steer the conversation toward her, and she was pretty happy to talk. I asked what she does, and she told me that she works for the accounting firm I already knew about, communicating with outside clients and keeping records. I told her I was pretty nervous about growing up. She told me to enjoy college and to make lots of friends because there’s less opportunity once you start working.

When I asked if she was married or anything, she laughed. Of course I knew she wasn’t married, but I wanted to hear more about her love life. She said that she doesn’t currently have a boyfriend (I guess she’s at least had boyfriends, but who knows how long ago). When I asked her about kids, she said she doesn’t want them until she gets a better job. On top of that, she told me that her family has a history of some genetic diseases such as arthritis and depression, which she is afraid to give to her kids.

It’s funny that she mentioned that because when I asked to use her bathroom, I noticed a tube of prescription pills on the sink. It was labelled duloxetine, which I looked up later and discovered that it is in fact an antidepressant. I had a joking thought that maybe by killing her I’d be doing her a favor, but quickly decided I was a terrible person for coming up with that.

The rest of the visit was pretty dull. We talked about food and some other mundane stuff before I eventually made an excuse to leave. I didn’t get the chance to unlock a window or anything like that, but I didn’t really feel the need to go through her apartment anymore. As early as the drive back to my dorm, I was already thinking about how I would best like to kill Linda Watson.

The choice was between effectiveness and fun. I decided to go with fun, because it would be way more satisfying to kind of dissect her as I killed her, rather than just getting it done and calling it a day. Fast-forward one week to December 13th - today, actually. Linda Watson turned 34 two days ago. I made a fun little wager with myself where if Linda was spending her birthday weekend alone, I would pay her a visit and kill her. If she was out or had company, I would stop by next week or something instead.

So this morning, I drove over to Lowe’s and bought an axe. Again, I expect you’re laughing, but that’s also kind of the point. An axe is so kind of cliche and a “movies” thing that I actually thought it would be the most fun. Swinging it at someone and everything, it’s a really entertaining image. They actually had a bunch of different axes, so I picked one that had a good weight but was still light enough for me to swing quickly.

The drive after getting the axe was when the adrenaline really picked up. All that kept going through my mind on the way over was “Wow, I’m really doing this.” Not in a bad way, just like a surprised this is real life sort of thing. I also got this strange rush of recollections of the time I spent with Linda. It was like my life was flashing before my eyes, except it was just the rather mundane hour I spent with Linda - like snippets of our conversations, the sound of her laugh, her facial expressions and stuff.

I also wondered to myself what the crazy serial killers would be feeling at a time like this - schizophrenic delusions? Sexual buildup? I have no idea, but what I felt was kind of like ridiculously alert and numb in the senses at the same time, however that’s possible.

Before getting out of the car, I had the sense to stuff the axe into my backpack to look a little less ridiculous walking across the parking lot. The handle was sticking out, but that didn’t really matter. At that point my heart was pounding so hard I could feel my throat throbbing. I tried controlling my breath, but it’s really hard to not breathe fast when your heart is pounding like that.

I reached Linda Watson’s door and quietly put my ear to it after setting down my backpack. I heard a voice that wasn’t hers - company? No, it was just the TV, mixed with her occasional tapping footsteps behind the door. I actually kept my ear there for a really freaking long time, because I wanted to make absolutely sure nobody was over. Probably 10 minutes of that and a lot of reassuring myself convinced me.

I quietly opened my backpack zipper and held the axe in my hands. My fiercely shaking hands. What the hell was this kind of reaction that my body was making? I told my body to shut up, that it’s no big deal, but of course it wouldn’t listen. It was actually bizarre how much my hands were shaking. It must be the adrenaline buildup. I rolled my eyes at myself and got my hand to rest on the doorknob. If it’s locked, I’ll knock, it’ll be basically the same. I took a deep breath and forced my muscles into action.

I swiftly turned the doorknob. Not locked. In one movement, I opened up the door and slipped inside. Linda Watson, just a few steps away into the kitchen. I see - she was in the middle of cooking. She immediately jumped and turned around, startled. I expected that. Quickly, I let go of the doorknob and adjusted the axe into both hands. In the following split second, I realized that she would probably start to make a lot of noise. Looking back, I’m an idiot for not considering that. Just as Linda’s mouth opened to speak - maybe even started speaking - I forcefully swung my axe into the side of her head.

But, my axe was facing backwards. I hit her with the blunt end of the blade. I actually did this on purpose, because in that split second I somehow decided that it would be the way to keep her noise to a minimum. It actually worked. I felt barely any resistance in the swing as I collided with her head, knocking it clean aside. Linda’s half-formed syllable came out as a kind of weird grunt - a noisy exhalation is probably the best I could describe it. That happened at the same time as her head smacked into the cabinet from the force, and she fell backwards without any ability to keep her balance. I didn’t hesitate at all to keep swinging at her while she was half lying down on the ground, this time my axe facing the right way. I didn’t really know where to swing, so I kind of just started hacking at her collarbone area and chest. It didn’t feel like the axe was going too deep, but there was a nice “thunk” sort of sound every time the axe embedded into her. I even felt the soft sinking sensation ripple into my hands, like the axe was a kind of physical extension of my sense of touch.

On a whim, I swung once at her throat, but most of the swing actually missed and I hit the floor by accident, causing a loud, dull whack to resonate through the apartment. I didn’t have time to think about it. I swung again with better aim and got a more centered hit, feeling the bone or cartilage or whatever is in there, so I must have split it open. Right after that, I decided to swing at her face, and I got this diagonal cut along her nose and mouth, which felt pretty good so I did it once more.

I finally briefly stopped to survey the damage. Linda was bleeding ridiculously. The blood was kind of coming out in waves, in sync with her beating heart, probably. It was pooling all around her and riding along the cracks between the tiles. Her light blue shirt was all torn up and stained dark, kind of mixed with a fleshy mess around her chest. It was all just glistening red. Her face wasn’t much better, covered in dripping red at this point, and her lip was kind of hanging off, revealing red-stained teeth in a really weird way, like a zombie or something.

Linda wasn’t dead, though. Her limbs were kind of weakly, aimlessly trying to move while she was stuck on her back. More than anything, she reminded me of a bug that you crush but it still pitifully moves its legs around before it dies completely. That’s basically what she was doing. But I didn’t know how long it would take for her to die, or what kind of condition she was in. I ended up grabbing a big knife that was on the counter that she was using to cut up meat. Trying to step around the blood, I reached down and carved into the upper half of her neck, trying to sort of saw it from the left side to the right. It was a little awkward because the area was so soft and squished around the knife as I was cutting. But the sensation was completely different from the axe. It actually felt like I was cutting a tough piece of raw meat (which I guess technically, I was).

The blood started pouring out, and I hoped that I severed the most major arteries in there. It must have worked, because after a moment Linda’s limb movements kind of just had the strength drained from them, soon resting still on the floor. I took a few seconds to catch my breath. No time to stick around and think about the experience. I shook the knife blade through a dirty pan in the sink to clean off the blood, then threw the knife into my backpack. I did the same with the axe. I also took her laptop that was sitting on the counter. It had some recipe open for veal and mushrooms. I didn’t really take the laptop to use it, since I have a perfectly good one myself that I got for college. I just wanted to look through it for fun.

I finally went outside and closed the door behind me. I got some blood on my sweater and jeans. But funnily enough, I actually anticipated that so I wore dark colors.

The drive back to my dorm was just a constant replaying of the experience in my head. I guess that’s still kind of happening even now, actually. But it felt pretty nice. Linda Watson is dead. I kind of let the weight of that sink in. The sensation of having completely removed a human life from existence. It’s crazy. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Anyway, I threw the axe and knife into a dumpster on campus, which I think is picked up every Monday, so they’ll be gone by then. My roommate goes home on the weekends, so I have the dorm to myself today. It gave me the chance to go through Linda’s website history. I was right in thinking that’s where her deepest secrets would lie.

There was actually a lot of dirty stuff, like the names of websites for porn videos and stories and things like that. Same with her searches. A lot of the websites were boring, like cooking websites and recipes, and game websites like Bejeweled and stuff. I eventually got to the “one week ago” section of her history, and it gave me a chill.

There were a whole bunch of searches like “methods of suicide”, “how to tie a noose”, “dangerous household chemicals”, “carbon monoxide poisoning” - like a lot of them. She was probably ready to write a book on suicide after all the research she did. So I guess Linda was contemplating suicide. I wonder if it was influenced by her depression.

The irony is actually striking. Maybe Linda was going to die anyway. Or maybe she couldn’t find the courage to do it. If that were the case, I almost literally gave her a birthday present by killing her. That’s actually really comical in a messed-up way, and it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. The part I don’t get is that I didn’t see any of those searches up until the “one week ago” section, nothing more recent than that.

I ended up throwing the laptop in the dumpster with the other stuff. It’s been a few hours since then, so I’ve had some time to calmly think about everything. Like I said, it was pretty satisfying and I’m glad I finally got around to it. I feel like I can finally cross it off my bucket list, or like I’m tying loose ends with myself. This is probably the first and last time I’ll write the name Linda Watson - it’s back to living a normal college life, except I might do some people-watching every now and then because it’s definitely fun and interesting.

But I’ll always wonder how many people there are like me. I’m sure there has to be a lot, because there is just nothing strange about it to me, being curious about killing someone. Sadly, it’s something that people can’t exactly just talk about, so I guess I’ll never know. I’m sure that anyone would just lie about it even if you asked them. But you can’t help but wonder if that person in the grocery store, who stares at you as you pass by, might be considering what it would be like to kill you. If I could, I would tell them all about it, so they could decide for themselves. But who knows, maybe I got lucky, and that person is you. I actually really, really hope so.

~♥

然后是翻译：

如果你找到了这封藏在小木盒子里的诚意满满的笔记，那么恭喜你！你可能是第一个读到它的人！我真的不想把它分享给任何一个人，但是因为某种原因，我觉得一个对我来说完全陌生的人坐在屏幕前阅读我的故事是一件相当刺激的事情。一个我永远不会遇见的人，却与我维系了这样一条私密的纽带。我们两人当中的某一人很可能会死——也许就在明天——而另一人却毫不知情。这个事实，让我感到无比的激动。对你来说，我全部的人生都储存在这篇小小的笔记里，所以这篇笔记在你的脑海里留存多久，我就会存活多久。写这篇笔记的时候，我非常想知道它让你开心还是恐惧。这实在是太激动人心了！

如果我的故事描写的比较杂乱，我表示抱歉，但是我实在是想当我还记得这件事时完整地把它记录下来。现在，我会先告诉你一些关于我自己的事情。我是一个大学一年级女生，并且从很多标准上说，我的人生都非常平凡。我成长在一个中等偏上等级的中学，那里有很多衣着体面的老师。我在整个中学和高中的一部分时间里循规蹈矩，并且我已经有过两个男朋友。现在，我正在为成为职业治疗师而学习，至于我选择这个行业的原因，我觉得它不会被人们低估并且可以给人们带来巨大的帮助。

我告诉你这些背景是想让你理解我。因为如果你想杀死一个人，那么你要么是脑子有毛病要么是不能很好地控制自己的愤怒。但是，非常明显的是，我并不属于以上两种人。其实大多数谋杀案件都有一个家庭环境，在这个环境里有人失去了控制他们的愤怒的能力。但是最重要的一点是这些人在被激怒时才会谋杀，不管是愤怒的突然爆发还是长期苦难的折磨。这些人谋杀仅仅因为在那个瞬间，他们希望特定的某个人——因为某种特定的原因——受到伤害或是被杀死。

但是我在谈论的是不带任何目的的想杀死一个人，甚至仅仅是为了看看那是一种什么感觉，你明白我的意思吗？我不知道其他人的感觉如何，因为这并不是一件可以公开谈论的事情。但是我从小对杀死一个人是什么感觉就很好奇。不是说杀死某个特定的人，只是随便一个人就好。每次这种念头出现在我的脑海都会让我兴奋不已，我可以接近任何一个人，然后用五分钟让他们从地球上完全消失。

但是因为很多原因，我从没这样做过。首先，在我大多数生命里，要杀死一个人而不被发现几乎是不可能的，我仅仅在几年前才拿到了我的驾照。而且做准备工作会花费很长一段时间，而这很有可能让人生疑。直到我上了大学，我才意识到这些都已经不再是阻碍了。

另一个原因是我担心会给太多人造成伤害。你读到这里可能会嘲笑我的伪善。但是，让我解释一下：如果一个人已经死去，那么我为什么要为他感到悲伤呢？我最应该为谁感到悲伤？相应地，我应该为那些活着的人的悲伤承担责任。正因为此，我知道在找到一个合适的目标前，寻找工作会花去我大量的时间，并且我从来没有刻意去做这些事——直到我上了大学。

并且现在，在刚刚经历了谋杀之后，我必须说我最后感到非常的满足。也许这是一件我可以再次尝试的事？也许不是，因为我的好奇心已经被满足了。第二次与第一次会大不相同。

但是不管怎样，如果你也恰好想杀死某人，那么欢迎你来阅读这篇笔记 :)

在进入大学后，我很快有了观察别人的习惯。对我来说，观察别人是一件相当有趣的事情，因为它将人们生命中无限的外部事物转化成了一个主要的特点——而那些人却丝毫不知情。

当然，要忘记成千上万个与你擦肩而过的陌生人与你自己一样有着复杂人生的事实真是太容易了。我注意到观察人们和想要杀死某人，都是当你自己对此有着清醒认识时候的想法。当我找到一个观察对象时，他们的故事逐渐地变得清晰，而我与他们之间的沟壑也被慢慢填平——那真是太美妙了！

我经常在周末去便利店并且四处观察人们的购物车。如果我注意到了任何令我感兴趣的人，我就会决定再多观察这个人一点。当然，因为我的目的是找到一个谋杀对象，我把任何有孩子、有伙伴、有结婚戒指或者是有其他标志的人排除到范围外。

所以大概每周一次，我会去找适合我的标准的目标。如果有人适合，我会尾随他们到他们的家里并且记下他们的住址。通过这样的方式，想更多调查某个人的话就会变得简单许多。大多数人都有普通的工作时间，意味着我可以在中午去查看他们的邮箱或者在他们的住址周围转转。我把这样的工作对好几个人重复了几次（其中有一个人我几乎就要决定行动了），但是因为许多原因，谋杀他们并不使我感到非常满足。

我开始变得失去耐心了，我甚至就要决定杀死那个叫Devon的男人，即使我并不想谋杀某个很有钱的人。但是接下来，我遇到了一个新的目标——一个我觉得完美的目标。随着我的调查的深入，我越来越坚定了杀死她的决心，并且我知道她就是那个要被我杀死的人。

依照惯例，一个长相年轻的女人，我在杂货店里遇见了她。她正提着篮子在选购一些小商品。她的深棕色头发微微卷曲，不优雅的搭在她的肩膀上，围绕着她疲惫的面容。她空空如也的无名指告诉我她一定还是单身，并且我感到勇气十足。这个女人看起来实在是太——平常了，真的。我觉得自从我开始观察人们，我就对人有着敏锐的直觉。她的样子，让我感觉如果她突然死去，没有人会聚集起来哀悼她。当然，我还是想更多地调查她一下。

我按照惯例在她的工作时间去调查她的住址。我很快了解到她的名字是Linda Watson。Linda住在一个安静的公寓社区里，她的邮箱就在房子外面，很容易找到。与其马虎地查看她的信件，我意识到我可以把她的邮件带回到我的宿舍里并且在她下班前还回去（她住的地方离我的宿舍只有十五分钟的距离）。我做了一些调查并且学会了如何在不损坏信件的条件下打开和恢复它们。这是一项需要吹风机、外用酒精和棉签的技术。

这让了解Linda变得更加容易。Linda是一个33岁的女人，在一家小型会计公司里工作——我不打算直接把那家公司的名字写在这里。她的生日是12月11号，碰巧，即将在几周之后到来。我也尝试寻找一些银行回执单来帮助我更好地了解她在过去几个月中的生活开支。就是在这时候我知道了我对Linda是个普通得不能再普通的女人这个事实判断地相当准确，因为在她的消费清单上根本就没有什么有趣的东西。逛了一圈Old Navy（这是美国的人气服饰品牌——译者注），几杯星巴克，还有从Amazon上买来的一些总共40美元的东西。没去餐馆，没看电影，没有任何证据表明她在社交上花了时间。除此之外，我还发现她购买了一本烹饪杂志，也许她对烹饪感兴趣。

城市里的公寓比郊区平房更难以强行闯入，因为公寓的窗户和门更少。每次我到Linda的邮箱前，我都会检查她的公寓的前门和后窗，但是它们总是锁着。这让我有些沮丧，因为我对侵入别人的房子非常感兴趣。于是，我想出了一系列我觉得有趣的点子，即使它们并不能真正实现。

上周六，我像往常一样去Linda的公寓。但是有一点不同，这次我希望她在家里。我觉得与她谈一次话会非常有趣。如果我足够幸运，我就能利用当时的情况来悄悄地从屋子里解锁她的窗户。于是，我走到了她的门前，仅仅穿着一件运动衫，敲了敲门。汹涌的肾上腺素真是太疯狂了。我害怕我会把一切都搞砸。

门开了，Linda就站在我面前，就像我在杂货店里见到她时候那样。就是在那时侯，我和她有了第一次眼神接触，我开始意识到我可能会因为关心Linda而放弃谋杀她的计划。这也许很自私，但我不会谋杀一个我关心的人，即使我关心的人是一个33岁的女人，站在门前，脸上带着疲惫的倦容，向我说了一声你好。

在寒风中我们的手相握，我害羞地回应了Linda的欢迎。我解释道之前我在她公寓后那片树丛里遛狗，不小心让我的狗跑掉了，我已经找它找了了一个小时，我想知道你有见过我的狗在附近嚎叫吗？果不其然，Linda热心地说她对我的遭遇感到同情，并且她说她不能帮上任何忙，但是她会帮我看着。我装出一个沮丧的表情作为回应，并且因为打扰Linda而向她表示抱歉。

事情却向我希望的方向发展了——Linda邀请我进入她家里来喝点咖啡暖暖身子。在接受她的邀请之前，我表面上犹豫了一下。但事实上我想跳进她的房子并拥抱她，然后大声告诉她：“谢谢你这么配合！”于是，Linda最后坐到了一个坐在长椅上的19岁的女孩（这个女孩应该就是yuri——译者注）旁边——而那个女孩知道躺着真是一个舒服的姿势，并且知道Linda确实没有比跟一个刚刚遇见的女孩聊天更好的方法来度过无聊的周六了（而那个女孩碰巧对杀死她很感兴趣）。

Linda很快了解到我的名字叫Maria（当然不是我的真名），而且我正在附近的社区学校里上学（当然我也不在那里上学）。我担心她会问很多问题，因为我没有事先准备好答案。我尽量把话题引导到她自己身上去，并且她也很乐意谈论自己。我问她在做什么工作，然后她告诉我她正在一家会计公司上班，这是我早就已经知道的事实了。她的具体工作是和外面的客户打交道并做好记录。我告诉她我对长大感到很茫然，她告诉我只要享受大学生活就好了，并且尽量去多交些朋友，因为工作后就很少有能交到朋友的机会了。

当我问及她是否结婚的时候——我当然知道她没结婚，我只是想更多地听她谈谈自己的感情生活——她回答说她现在还没有男朋友（我猜她至少有过男朋友，但谁知道那是多久以前呢？）。当我说到关于孩子的问题的时候，她说在找到一个更好的工作前，她不会考虑这些事。最重要的是，她告诉我她的家族有遗传的抑郁症病史，她害怕把这种疾病带给她的孩子。

这实在是很有趣，因为之前当我请求使用她家里的洗手间的时候，她欣然同意，我在水槽里发现了一管处方药，上面贴着度洛西汀的标签，随后我发现那是一种抗抑郁药。我忽然想到也许杀了她是给她解脱，随后我又觉得我实在是个坏人，居然想到了这种事情。

剩下的拜访Linda的过程显得很无聊。我们谈论了一些关于食物和一些其他平凡的事情，最后我终于找到了一个借口离开。我没能得到机会打开她家的窗户或是门之类的东西，但是我实在觉得没有必要再去她的公寓里检查了。我一回到寝室，就开始思考什么是杀死Linda的最好方法了。

我有两个选择，注重效率或者追求有趣。我选择了后者，因为我觉得肢解她要远远比直接杀死她更令我满足，更不希望草草了事就收工。时间很快过去，一周之后，12月13号，也就是今天。Linda两天前满了34岁。我跟我自己打了个有趣的赌——Linda会在哪里度过她的生日周末。如果她独自一人在家过生，我会去拜访她并且杀了她；如果她在公司度过，那么我将会把我的计划推迟一周。

所以今天早上，我开车到了Lawe’s（美国一个便利店连锁企业的名字——译者注）并且买了一把斧头。我估计你又会嘲笑我了，但是斧子确实很好用。而且我觉得斧子其实相当有趣，因为它足够经典，并且经常出现在一些电影桥段里。朝着某人或者其他的什么东西挥舞斧子实在是一个有趣的画面。便利店里其实有各种各样的斧子，我选择了重量合适，让我能够轻易挥动的那一把。

买到斧子之后，在驱车前往Linda公寓的路上，我的肾上腺素又开始飙升。我的脑海里全是“哇哦，我真的在做这件事了！”之类的想法。这种感觉并不坏，就像生命中必不可少的一部分惊喜那样。我在与Linda呆在一起时也有这样奇怪的感觉。那种感觉就好像我的一生在我眼前像幻灯片一样闪现过去，包括我们谈话的片段，她的笑声，她的面部表情还有其他的什么，但我与她在一起的那些无聊时光并不在我的回忆范围内。

我还自问那些连环杀人魔也会有一段时间像我这样感到这种精神分裂症妄想吗？或者感到性欲高涨？我不知道，我只感到自己有一种既清醒又麻木的可笑感觉，而那的确是可能的。

在离开汽车之前，我特地把斧子装进了我的背包来让自己走过停车场时不会太奇怪。斧子的把手正露在外面，但那不要紧。那时候我的心脏跳地如此强烈以至于我可以听见我吞口水的声音。我尝试着控制自己的呼吸，但是当你的心跳如此之快时，控制呼吸实在是一件很困难的事情。

我抵达了Linda的公寓门前，放下背包并且轻轻地把耳朵贴到了门上。我听见了一个不属于Linda的声音——是她的伙伴吗？不是，是电视机的声音，那声音和门后Linda时断时续的脚步声混杂在一起。我真的把耳朵贴在门上相当长的时间，因为我想确认绝对没有其他人在门里。也许等了十分钟，我最终说服了我自己。

注意：以下内容有严重的暴力倾向且有许多血腥描写。

我悄悄地拉开我的背包拉链然后把斧子握在手里，我剧烈抖动着的手里。我的身体到底因为什么才作出这样的反应！我命令我自己的身体停下，这根本就不是什么大事，但是它却不听使唤。我的手抖得这么厉害实在是奇怪，一定是肾上腺素让我兴奋不已。我的眼睛盯着我自己，我把手放在门把手上休息了片刻。如果门锁了，我会敲门，基本上来说门都会锁着。我做了一次深呼吸，强迫自己的肌肉进入状态。

我转动把手，门没锁。我打开门，一步溜进屋子里。Linda，就在几步之遥的厨房里，我看见了她，她正在做饭。她突然吓了一跳并且惊恐地转身，而那正是我所期待的。很快地，我放开门把手并且双手持着斧子。在接下来的半秒里，我意识到她可能弄出了很大的声响。我转过头，我实在是太愚蠢了才没有多加思考。就当Linda准备开始说话的时候——或许她已经开始说话了——我猛地朝着她头的一侧挥动斧子。

但是，我的斧子方向反了，我用斧子钝的那一侧打中了她。事实上我是故意这样做的，在那半秒钟里我决定把她发出的噪音降到最小，而这是最好不过的方法，并且它也真的起作用了。在挥出打中她头部的那一击时，我几乎没怎么犹豫，干脆地结束了那一击。不成形的音节从Linda嘴里发出来，就像某种奇怪的喃喃自语。而我对此最好的形容是——一种吵闹的呼气声。同时她的头在冲击力的作用下重重地撞到了橱柜上，她无法控制自己的平衡，向后退了几步。我没有犹豫，当Linda半躺在地上时，不断挥舞着斧子，这一次我用的是斧子锋利的那一端。我不知道该朝着哪里挥，所以我基本上从砍她的锁骨和胸部开始。斧子并没有感觉嵌入得很深，但是每次我把斧子砍进她身体里时，都发出了令人满意的锵锵声。我甚至感觉令人沉溺的快感在我手里荡漾开，就好像斧子是我身体触觉的一部分延伸一样。

我一时心血来潮，我朝着她的脖子挥动了一次，但事实上大多数挥动都没有命中并且碰巧打中了地面，造成了一阵在整个公寓里回荡的巨大且沉闷的噪音。我没时间考虑这些事。我瞄准了Linda又一次挥斧，准确命中，击中了那里的骨骼、软骨或是其他的什么东西，所以我必须把它们整个地切开。在那之后，我决定沿着斜线划开她的鼻子和嘴，那让我感到无比愉快，于是我又做了一次。

终于我短暂地休息了一下来检查我造成的伤害。Linda正在可笑地流着血，血像海浪一样涌出来，也许和她的心跳同步。她的血沿着瓷砖的缝隙流动。她的浅蓝色T恤被完全撕碎并被染成了深色，与她胸部周围的一些肉混杂在一起。而它们正在闪烁着红色。那时她的脸的情况也不怎么好，被鲜红色所覆盖。她的嘴唇几乎悬挂着，以一种奇怪的方式露出了血红色的牙齿，就像僵尸或是其他的什么东西。

即使这样Linda还是没有死。他的四肢开始变得无力，漫无目的挥舞着想要让自己移动一点，但是她却被自己的背挡住了。最重要的是，她让我想起了那种被你碾碎后，却还在临死前不断挥舞四肢的虫子。那基本上就是Linda正在做的事情。我不知道还有多久她才会死，或者她正处于一种什么样的状态里。我最终抓起了橱柜上Linda用来切肉的那把刀。我尽力绕开血迹，俯下身，切断了她喉咙的上半部分，并且努力地从左切到右。奇怪的是，好像刀经过的地方都太柔软，太容易被压碎。但是它的触感与斧子完全不同，就像切一大块生肉（从技术上来说，我正在这样做）。

血喷涌而出，我希望我损伤了那里最重要的动脉。而那一定起作用了，因为很短时间之后Linda四肢的力量就好像流尽了一样，瘫软在地面上。我花了几秒钟时间来稳定自己的呼吸。没时间在这里逗留和回味这段经历了。我在一个脏盘子里涮了几下刀和斧子，希望洗干净血迹，然后把它们丢进了我的背包里。我还拿走了她放在橱柜上的平板电脑，上面打开了一些关于小牛肉和蘑菇的食谱。我带走平板电脑并不是为了使用它，因为我在上大学时买了一个更好的，我只是想浏览浏览，纯粹觉得好玩。

终于我走到了外面并且关上了身后的门。我的毛衣和牛仔裤上沾了一些血。但有趣的是，那正是我所期待的，这样我就可以穿深色衣服了。

驱车回到宿舍的路上，我在脑海里不断重复这段经历，我甚至觉得它现在正在我眼前真实发生着。但是这感觉很好，Linda已经死了。我有点想让这种感觉深埋进我心底，这种从地球上完全移除了另一个人的存在的感觉。我真是疯了，我不知道如何用其他的词汇来描述它。

无论如何，我把斧子和刀丢进了校园里的垃圾桶，我记得每周一这些垃圾桶会被清理，然后刀和斧子就会从此消失。我的室友周末会回家，所以今天寝室属于我一个人。这让我有机会来浏览Linda的网页浏览记录，而她的内心最深处的秘密也藏在那里。

她的浏览记录里有很多肮脏的东西，比如一些名字与黄色视频、小说有关的网站之类的，就像她的搜索记录一样。大多数网站都很无聊，比如烹饪食谱网站和宝石迷阵之类的游戏网页。最终我打开了他的浏览历史中的“一周之前”这个板块，而那给了我一个惊喜。

那里有一系列的关于“如何自杀”、“如何系上吊绳结”、“家用危险化学品”、“一氧化碳中毒”之类的搜索记录。在搜索这些之后，她可能是准备写一本关于如何自杀的书。所以我觉得Linda可能是在考虑自杀。我想知道她是否被自己的抑郁症严重影响了。

这个讽刺的事实让我震撼不已。也许Linda只是一心求死。或许她没有勇气去做这件事。如果这就是原因的话，我几乎是把杀死她当作生日礼物送给了她。这件事以一种混乱的方式显得相当滑稽，并且给我留下了一种奇怪的感觉。我不明白的是在“一周以前”这个板块之前，她再没有搜索过关于自杀的信息。

最后我把平板电脑和其他的东西全丢进了垃圾桶。那已经是几小时过后了，我终于有机会来回顾发生的一切。就像我说的一样，我感到非常满足，并且终于找到了这样一个机会。我觉得我终于可以把它从我的人生愿望清单上划去了，并且我补全了我人生中缺失的一块拼图。我可能是第一次也是最后一次写下Linda Watson这个名字——我就要回到平常的大学生活里去。我可能还会偶尔观察人们，因为那实在是太有趣了！

但是我真的想知道还有多少人和我一样，我非常确定一定有很多。因为对我来说，对杀死一个人是怎样的感觉感到好奇实在是太平常的一件事了。然而，这并不是一件人们可以自由谈论的事，所以我猜我永远也不会知道有多少人与我一样了。我还非常确定如果你问任何人他们是否对杀人感到好奇这个问题，他们一定会冲你撒谎。但你会总是不自觉的想起，当你从杂货店经过时，那个紧盯着你的人，很有可能正在考虑杀死你是什么样的感受。如果我可以的话，我会把所有事实都告诉他们，那么他们就可以自己决定自己是否会被杀死。但是谁知道呢，也许我足够幸运，而那个被问的人就是你。我真的，真的希望如此。

~♥